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Top 10 Tips on How to NOT be an obnoxious asshole when you go out to eat.

  1.  Don’t leave your newspapers and magazines for us to clean up.  Throw your own trash in your own trash; it’s not my job to dispose of your Esquires and Teen Peoples.
  2.  Order what you want when I ask you what you want.  If when you get all of your food you decide you want 10 different sides, I’m going to give you a dirty look, because I’m damn busy and if you just told me in the first place I wouldn’t have to make another trip to the hot nasty kitchen and annoy the cooks even more asking for your damn side of barbecue sauce.
  3.  If you want separate checks, tell me BEFORE you all decide you can’t do math when the whole bill comes and you can’t remember how many fruity bitch drinks you had.
  4.  If the list of beers we have on tap does not list the beer you ask for, we still don’t have it on tap, then we DON'T have it on tap
  5.  The beers that are still brewing are unavailable because THEY’RE STILL BREWING.
  6. If you order a grilled cheese sandwich, don’t be upset when you get a grilled cheese goddamn fucking sandwich. 
  7. 15% is standard people, you should EXPECT to ALWAYS pay 15% on a tip, no matter what.  18% if your server is good, 20% if they are excellent.  If you have a problem, don’t express it by leaving a shitty tip.  Talk to the manager so at least I don’t feel like an asshole for trying my fucking best to keep you happy, and it turns out your just an ignorant fuck.
  8. Yeah, it is a trouble to get you your 5th water that I won’t be tipped on.  Fuck you and drink something real.
  9.  When I come to your table to take your order, stop your goddamn conversation.  If you continue to talk for more than 12 seconds, I will leave and not come back to bring you food…which is the whole reason you’re at a restaurant in the first place, isn’t it? 
  10.  If you ask me a dumb question or are rude to me because you don't view me as an equal human being, don’t be surprised if I’m rude back to you.  I’m a person who will respond as a person to ignorance and rudeness respectively.   For example, if I ask “How is your food?” and you make a face and say “Eh, I’ve had better”, I will NOT apologize for your own dumb choice nor say something like “Oh, that’s too bad”.  I will however, walk away and come back when you’re ready to pay me.  

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