I sit here in Shimoni, overlooking the beautiful Indian
Ocean, and I’m feeling déjà vu. I have
said goodbye to coastal Kenya once before, so the emotions and the anxiety
comes as almost as a welcome familiar. The
anxiety is different now though, because I’m expecting the counter-culture
shock. I’m expecting the depression, the
deflation, the isolation…so I hope that by pre-emanating the disaster it may be
less intense. It’s like nuclear warfare
game theory between my mind and soul.
OK looking back at the ocean/horizon and I’m feeling the
calm come back over me. Maybe this is
the problem for world politics, the major players in nuclear disaster is coming
politics don’t have a view over the Indian Ocean. I could win the Nobel Peace Prize for this
concept.
But let’s focus on Kenya and community development – that’s the
hardest part of leaving right now. I
feel like I just got something going, and there is so much left to complete. I maybe overreacted and created a farewell
packet, a 6-page detailed document outlining all of the future objectives that the
Women’s’ Group and I had discussed, from how to open a bank account and write a
MOU (Memorandum of Understanding) for partnerships, to ideas for marketing like
using the new logo (designed by my super and beautiful and talented sister
Alexa Barry) to make t-shirts to sell in the Curio shops around Kakamega.
In writing the packet however, I realized how
much I wish I could stay and see it unfold.
The Women’s Group started from nothing, and now they’re a registered
group and more importantly MAKING MONEY.
They’re organized and determined, and most importantly, they’re on
it. They can’t be stopped! And that doesn’t come from me. That was in them and always has been, I am
just a player who got a ball rolling.
So my dilemma is personal, it is some kind of psychological syndrome
with some name like mama-letting-go-of-her-baby-so-it-can-walk, I don’t
know. For the past 6 months I’ve had
purpose, and I feel like I’m “making a difference” blugh I hate when people say
that…but I say it meaning that it was making
difference FOR MYSELF. I was developing
myself professionally, and also I was spiritually in a beautiful place with
calm and peace constantly around me. The
stress level is very low, and I’ve come accustomed to this lifestyle. I don’t want to go back home and deal with
the life that I left behind, and go back to hustling tables to make life work,
and endlessly struggling with my school fees and incompetent advisors. I know I am being whiny and pestilent, but I
don’t care.
I know this is the PROCESS blah blah blah. And I do have to admit there is a growing,
albeit still tiny, ball of excitement growing in me to be home. There is soooo much I love about home. Most of those things are people, which can’t
be replaced or reproduced in foreign countries.
And that does wear on you.
Loneliness and isolation does happen here, of course, but it’s about
feeling a part of you that is inside and pushed aside, because it has no place
here. That’s the very deep part of you,
the original part that comes from your childhood and your fondest memories,
when you came of-age and when your inner self emerged and you became you. But now, in Kenya, you have to push that all
aside to and focus on the new and the exotic.
Now, I need to go home and reconcile these two parts of me,
and reignite the deep part of my soul.
And look towards the future, which is unknown, which is scary as
hell, but that’s the next step for me.
It’s what has to happen!! And the bus tomorrow night to Nairobi is
booked, and the flight from Nairobi to London, and London to Newark, and then
the train from Newark to Boston…and then my lovely mother will pick me at South
Station and then 2 hours later I will be in my bed! After a long hot
shower. And that is going to be what I
have called #travelhell, but then I’ll be home, and with my friends and
familiarity. And cheese. OOHH there will be cheese. So all in all, it’s not that bad.
Once again beautifully written. For every ying there is a yang and coming home to all that awaits you will enable you to put these six months into perspective and find a way to get back there or how to help from this side of the pond. Please be safe - dad and I will be there to get you - can't wait. love that you shared Alexa's artwork - you will make a great team.
ReplyDeletelove mom and dad -